On Not Being a Mom

It took me awhile to get over the fact I would never become a mother. Not because it's the way it's supposed to be in modern society - I've never been one to follow that anyway. Not because I was always told I had a high probability of having twins. Not because I was always told I would be good at it. It was hard to get over because the choice was made for me. 

Once a decision is made for you, there are a lot of "what ifs" that go through your mind. Mother's Day is hard, and the idea that you're not complete if you don't have a child is in your face all the time. I've always thought adoption is really cool...to me, adopted kids are so wanted. But, I either have a broken biological clock, or it just never got set. I just don't have that yearning that many women have. My life, my legacy has a different meaning - and a different focus.

My friends and family know what an independent spirit I am. And I've always been so much more drawn to animals. I mean, what can I say? I don't "ooh" and "aww" over babies like I do animals, especially dogs. My former job had me taking care of disabled people, which more than took care of any nurturing need, and my new job is working in a business with those aforementioned furry friends as service dogs. I'll be working as a writer and photographer for a company that really makes a difference in people's lives. 

After losing my own mother a couple of years ago, Mother's Day has a different sort of sadness now. Admittedly, I'm glad it's over for another year, and even though I have my sad moments when I think about not being a mom myself, they're pretty rare now. Most of the time, I'm actually quite relieved. I have a freedom and open-mindedness that is liberating (not to mention an entire aisle in the pharmacy that I don't have to look at). In other words, even if the choice hadn't been made for me, I don't think I would have had children, anyway. 

I know there are a lot of women out there - including some friends - who feel the same way. Women have more options now than they did years ago. They can choose how many kids they want to have, whether it's several, one, or none.

In reading comedian Jen Kirkman's new book, "I Can Barely Take Care of Myself," I found someone else who feels the same way. Our lives have no less meaning, no less depth, and no less importance because we aren't mothers. There are many other things in life. In her book, Kirkman says that people who come to see her comedy routine offer strong, unsolicited opinions about her choice to not have kids. In her interview about the book in Marie Claire magazine, "I Don't Want Kids - Get Over It!" Kirkman says people tell her she'll regret it:

"The first one I always get, which I wanted to name my book, is: "You'll change your mind." Or people come up to me and say, "Who will take care of you when you're old?" which I take to mean, "You'll die alone." My short answer to those people is, "Have you ever watched the Golden Girls?"

I can say from many years of experience working in social services with elderly clients: There's no guarantee your children will be there for you. The majority of people I worked with had kids who had little to do with their care or even had time for them. We also live in a society that is constantly changing with people living all over the world, so expecting a child to be there for you later in life, is a nice thought, but not always a realistic one. The truth is, true friends can be there for you just as often.

There's also that freedom you have when you aren't held back at all with kids. When Kirkman was asked about her child-free inspiration in the Marie Claire interview, she talked about Miriam. Both of them are an inspiration to me now:

"I was 22, broke, single, and miserable. She was 62, broke, single, and fabulous. She did her own thing, never asked permission, never apologized. I always knew I was a Miriam. Parents talk a lot about how much strength and dedication it takes to raise a child. I think it also takes a lot of strength and dedication to carve out a life that doesn't seem normal to anyone else." 

I came across an old card from a friend written a few years ago when I became very ill and had to have an immediate surgery that made the choice for me - there would be no children. Ever. In the card she wrote: "It takes a strong and intelligent woman to resolve not to bear children. It takes a woman with a lot of love in her life to be at peace knowing that the decision has been made for her." 

The card is tattered and slightly ripped now, but it's still very clear - and very treasured. The truth is, it isn't so much that the choice was made for me anymore, it is more that different choices and a different life that I didn't even see is pretty clear now...and it appears that it's the one I wanted in the first place.

Daily Writing

Writers love to write more than anything else. It's something that's in us that just has to be expressed. But, many of us tend to procrastinate and do so many other things before we even get started. With the modern age, it seems we could be so much more efficient at this. To simply turn on a computer and start up where we left off should be easy...not that writing is ever truly easy. But, we immediately get distracted by checking our e-mails, reading the news, surfing a bit, maybe doing a little shopping, checking in with friends on Facebook and Twitter...the list goes on.

It's best to have a set time to write every day. Not the perfect time - because that never happens - but a scheduled, and logical, time. For a night owl like me, trying to write at five in the morning would be a waste of time.

I like the way the creative process is described on the site Brain Pickings:

"Because creativity, after all, is a combinatorial force. It’s our ability to tap into the mental pool of resources — ideas, insights, knowledge, inspiration — that we’ve accumulated over the years just by being present and alive and awake to the world, and to combine them in extraordinary new ways. In order for us to truly create and contribute to culture, we have to be able to connect countless dots, to cross-pollinate ideas from a wealth of disciplines, to combine and recombine these ideas and build new ideas — like LEGOs. The more of these building blocks we have, and the more diverse their shapes and colors, the more interesting our creations will become."

In the post The Daily Routines of Famous Writers, there are some great routines by some very well-known, successful writers. You have to admire their persistence...and, for most, the lack of modern conveniences that we take for granted.

The point is, do whatever works for you, but by all means, do it. And try to do it daily. The writers in this article produced some beautiful writing over their lifetimes. Some are still with us, some are long gone. But, isn't that one of the coolest things about writing? Once it's in print, the words live on with us forever.

The Right Hat

I've always loved hats on other women, but I felt a bit silly in them. I do have an assortment of warm, knit hats for winter, but these are for walks in the cold or shoveling snow. Although I would periodically try on a hat that looked fun, I could never find a style that worked on me.

Out shopping with a friend a couple weeks ago, I showed her a hat that I had tried on a few days earlier. I thought that I had finally found one that fit just right, but I needed another opinion. 

She liked it as much as I did.

The final style: A Cloche hat...black straw with a small tie that circled around the back. It felt chic. It felt comfortable. It felt very Boho, very French - which, of course, I loved.

So, I guess it's true. There's a right style out there for everyone - even if you don't think you're a hat girl.

An Unexpected and Kind Gesture

 

In the midst of some rather arduous circumstances happening in the last couple of months, I was feeling pretty down last week. Halfway through the week, on a particularly difficult day, these beautiful, red roses were delivered to my doorstep. When I answered the door, I was sure they were being dropped off for my next door neighbor. Completely taken aback, I asked the delivery man who they were for. In a thick Russian accent - and a huge smile across his face - he said: "Why, they are for you!"

After finding out a couple of weeks ago that an old client had passed away, I had sent a sympathy card to his family. His parents were extremely supportive, which was something that was quite rare when I worked in social services. I not only really liked them, I had a tremendous amount of admiration and respect for both of them.

I hadn't seen or worked with this client since I left my old job over a year ago. We had worked together for a few years, and he was a really sweet guy with a severe traumatic brain injury. He had a great sense of humor, and a lot of determination to live his life as normally as possible despite all the daily challenges he faced.

Along with the roses was a card from his parents thanking me for all the support and kindness I had given to their son. It made me cry. It's amazing to me that they would do something so generous and thoughtful when they are grieving such a huge loss. It is one of the kindest gestures I've gotten in a long time.

Rock It Like a Redhead

 

Being a redhead, I grew up always being told I couldn't wear red. It was always "stick with the greens, teals, and turquoises, but never red." Although I've come to really appreciate red, bought some fun red shoes, and painted a few pieces of furniture red in my house, I had still avoided wearing red clothing. It was obvious orange would never work on me, but I'd seen a few redheads wearing red, and it looked great on them.

Of course, I've ignored many of the other fashion rules my mother told me to stay clear of when I was growing up: I wear black a lot, I like shorter skirts, I like higher heels - even though I'm already quite tall - and I wear a lot of rings, bracelets, and big, silver hoop earrings. I've also come to appreciate the fact that my natural red hair is actually quite unique, and I still wear it long and probably always will.

 

But yesterday was a first. To my guy's delight, I actually bought my first red dress. It's a really chic, color-blocked dress with red through the center, black along the sides, and a flared shorter skirt at the bottom. Really cool, funky - and marked down over seventy-five percent (better yet).

As I came across a post on The Chic Sheet prior to buying the dress, I found the author addressed this issue quite well. And although I've come to be annoyed with the "Keep Calm and Carry On" that you see everywhere (even though I'm very English), I loved the variation on it she put up for redheads. As the writer states:

"Some redheads still may not be into the whole idea of wearing red, but those that do certainly wear it well. The moral of this little story is that there are no fashion rules anymore. All is fair game in this industry, including RED on REDS!" 

Although I'll probably always be a bigger fan of purple and black, sometimes it's nice to shake things up a bit. At least one cool and different dress is a start. Besides, most redheads tend to be a bit rebellious...especially once we're adults and realize that some old rules are just meant to be broken.