Grief

How does one come back from such a deep grief? I still can't believe my mother is gone. I can't call her, can't hear her voice, can't reach out to her...

I also can't concentrate or seem to care about doing anything other than working and coming home. Last night I spent the evening crying and was awake all night. The usual suspects go round and round...denial, grief, anger...and just seem to keep circling around me and getting worse. I know it has only been a month. But, I miss her voice, her laugh. She was the one who always believed in me, was always happy to hear from me, and always stuck up for me.

My mother struggled off and on for a very long time. She was a fighter and I have such enormous respect for her....and my Dad. What a fantastic team they were! He always helped her, always stood by her. The loss he feels after being married to her for over 61 years must be too enormous to comprehend. I feel like my grief doesn't compare to his.

But, I'm still grieving. She was my mom. And she was a great mom.

I had a message on my voice mail she had left a few days before she died. I kept it and kept listening to it because I just liked hearing her voice. I would listen to it among all the other messages I get every day. Somehow, it got erased. Maybe because I knew I was flying down to see her in a couple of days - or maybe because I get so many phone calls and voice mails with my job everyday. I wish I could get it back and keep it forever. I want to be able to hear her voice.

I had a terrible pit in my stomach for two weeks prior to her death. I knew something was wrong but could not put my finger on it. She died the night before I flew down for a planned family get together. That pit in my stomach knew something was going on. It has been replaced with a very empty feeling that won't go away.

I miss her. I always will. Life will never be the same.